Hey you, don’t pick me
But, don’t pick me.
I’ve been lurking in the shadows for too long.
Trying to hide from the blinding shine of attention.
Every time you smile at me, I cringe.
Every voice I hear, sounding like his.
I don’t want to hear it anymore.
See me, just me. In the light, without putting up a fight.
Then if you insist,
You can unwrap me for me.
Unpack my crazy and weird mind.
Not my shell.
Acra-ca-da-bra… disappear. Wait. How am I still here?
Do you see me? I sort of see you. But your image is all blurry.
Even though, I pressed on the 4K setting.
Damn technology. Ok, instead, I’ll try a green screen. Uggh. Still not working.
Where are you, technology gods? No matter how hard I try- I never truly disappear.
Erasing my vanity
Perhaps, if I erased my vanity I would truly vanish. That is not a magic spell. Just reality.
Without my long hair- I’m afraid I am just a short, 154 cm, little girl, shivering naked in the cold.
Maybe, then you’ll see me, for what I am. Without the facade.
Pick me energy
TikTok accuses people of having pick me energy. Meaning they always want to be seen. Noticed.
A pick me girl, according to the urban dictionary is:
1. A girl who goes out of her way to impress boys and make it seem like they’re not like other girls.
2. A girl who seeks male validation by indirectly or directly insinuating that she is not like other girls.
Example: I don’t wear makeup, because I am not like other girls.Urban dictionary
While I agree that girls should not put each other down in conversations with males; I also feel people are just labeling girls they don’t like as “pick me girls”.
My issue is that indirect insinuations are open to interpretations, misunderstandings, and bias.
Sometimes, this label is a green light to start picking on people online. In more extreme cases, even bullying them.
If someone dances too hard. People say, oh, you’re trying too hard. You’re doing too much.
Validation, why is it a bad thing though? To want to be seen. To want to be chosen. As long as we are not putting others down to feel seen.
Nobody likes to be picked last in gym class. With a desolate sigh and an awkward smile, pretending like it’s ok.
It doesn’t bother me, says everyone. Internally, holding back tears.
The only thing worse than not being chosen is getting caught crying about it. Outside. Where everybody can see.
Do some people want to be ignored?
Does any human ever want to be not picked?
Or is it years of disappointment that makes us believe- that is what we deserve?
We internalize being picked last and make it a lifestyle choice.
Frankly, I am uncertain.
On a personal level, at times, I want to be seen. For my clothes. My outfit. And hair.
Other times, I want to slouch down and hide under a table.
Day-to-day our emotions change. Depending on our needs and wants.
There are people though, who truly want to be ignored. Working on their own, in the shadows, is their comfort.
I know, because I feel that way too. How can two drastically different versions of me exist?
Sometimes, I think I might have personality dissociation. Since, my actions and behaviors, surprise even me.
Is validation for losers? Pick me, please.
In a way, yes. When we feel like we are losing, behind, and struggling to reach any line, our need for validation kicks in.
The inherently human fear of embarrassment is what pushes us to look for validation.
It is a way to scream and shout: I exist. Today, and tomorrow.
Are you a loser though? No. Or else the whole world would be losers.
Validation is a natural human feeling and an instinctive urge. Who are we to deny it?
As much mindfulness as we try, validation is simply part of life.
Validation currency $
Furthermore, validation is a sensor in our body that activates and beeps, when we feel we did well.
This can come from other humans, loved ones, or superiors. More importantly, from ourselves.
It is the currency we use– to figure out if we are right or wrong. Did we do good or bad?
We don’t need a test to tell us that we are valid.
Alternatively, a pat on the back or shoulder will do the job. A simple nod. Or an intense gaze of acceptance.
Validation is all around us. When we choose to accept it. Especially, when we choose to give it.
If I could have any superpower, I’d be invisible
Have you ever longed to disappear in the shadows? Hammering away at a wall unit that holds a black flat screen.
Sometimes, I wish I can disappear into the tv screen.
Erased. Deleted. Is it that hard? Like a word document, the backspace can (mostly) hide the existence of a word.
Why can’t humans hide? Sure, we can lock ourselves in a room. Or run off to the forest to live alone.
Eventually, a human or animal will find us. That is our fate.
Conclusion… love me, love me not…pick me, pick me not
In conclusion, validation is what makes us decide whether we want to be congratulated or not.
How do you react when you receive a compliment?
Awkward silence. Random responses. That’s me when someone pays me a compliment. Especially, on days where I don’t want compliments.
Yet, when we go out of our way to help someone, show them our skills. We want a pat on the back of sorts. In that instance, we are open to validation.
When we don’t expect a clap or measly congratulations, it is because we already congratulated ourselves.
We choose to win– by force. Accolades are just extra.
Does wanting validation mean we don’t have self-love? No, self-love can come from anything.
Loving ourselves does not negate the need for societal approval.
We don’t always and consistently need validation. Check out facial expressions. That’s how you know if your message is well-received.
Hence, we should look out for validation cues. If people are uncomfortable, don’t be shy to ask them why.
Finally, you can choose when to disappear and when to yell at people, “Pick me”.
Do you want to hide today? Or do you want the limelight?