Do you feel self-love when you close your eyes? I do *sometimes*.
Close your eyes.
Are you thinner?
With a bigger butt?
Maybe you are shorter.
Open your eyes.
Are you happy now?
You are not.
Because you are still the same person on the inside.
Just with different, prettier, clothes.
Close your eyes again.
In the dark – you are the same.
The same thoughts happen.
The same sadness.
The same worries.
It is still you after all.
Stay you always. The you, YOU are when you close your eyes.
Check out more poems about self-acceptance here.
Yes, body fluctuations happen.
Whether we like it or not people treat us differently when we gain or lose weight. Like many people, I have been at the receiving end of both skinny and fat shaming.
I think society already tries to fit us in these boxes of pretty or not. Attractive or not. I will not play this game. Nope, there is already enough of their comments everywhere.
I do not need to tell you, we all have an aunty, who makes it her mission to analyze everyone’s body fluctuations.
The judgers 😭.
They insist on telling you , you look starving. On the other hand, you were prettier when you were skinnier. Either way, today is not their day to ruin OUR day.
Social media is filled with talk about self-love, body positivity, and other hub words. They are not just trendy words to hashtag on Instagram though. A lot of the times we preach self-love.
However, when we are alone in front of the mirror, we are mean to ourselves. That is not cool.
What I love about gaining and losing weight
Furthermore, I have read enough blogs about how people make you feel when you lose weight. Don’t get me wrong- I think they are helpful. I laugh, cry, and cringe along with them.
However, I think it is time for us to focus on the positive aspects of weight fluctuations. It is not all black rainbows and self-hate. From the people that matter anyway.
3 surprising things I love about gaining weight: Yes, self-love
- Firstly, when I am on the heavier or heftier side, I feel my face looks prettier. My cheeks expand to a pleasant plump that has me putting my hair up in ponytails, buns, and braids. I love to share my face with the world. Maybe that reflects back in my personality. I also tend to dress better.
2. Secondly, speaking of personalities I also feel like I am funnier when I am heavier. Do I feel like I need to compensate for something? I do not know. However, I do know I have more energy. I laugh more. I visit more restaurants. You know how some people say you gain weight when you are in love? With me, I think I love myself more when I gain weight.
Things are just funnier when I am heavier.
3. Thirdly, I am more active. More importantly, I spend time walking, jumping, and dancing. Why am I suddenly a better dancer when I am chubbier too?
Also, for some reason, women start smiling at me more. I receive a lot less glaring. To be fair though, people do not really glare at me often because I smile at them before they get the chance 🤪.
Maybe, it is not people that treat me differently. Rather, I am nicer to others because I am happier.
On losing weight: Skinny people deserve self-love too
People tend to take me more seriously when I am skinnier. This might have something to do with the proverbial elephant every time I enter a room: my double D’s.
When I am thinner, my boobs look smaller. This means a lot more eye contact, which I truly and genuinely appreciate. People help me less and pay less attention to me.
For me, who previously had stage fright- that is amazing. I hate when people stare at me.
Mostly, because I am insecure. I love to fly under the radar. But my klutzy nature means I fall often. In the end, I embarrass myself anyway.
Also, guys seem to focus on my personality vs. my looks. To be clear, I do not think I am amazingly beautiful, or even pretty. But when I am on the thinner side, I get a lot less attention from guys, which makes things like going to the gym a lot easier.
Shopping difficulties when I am skinnier
When I am thinner, it is difficult to find jeans that fit. I have notoriously small hips. I actually find it harder to find clothes when I am skinnier. Maybe, it is because I am also short.
As an EU size 32-34 in jeans, most pants in the adult section do not fit. It gets annoying. Most of the time, I have to deliver my pants from outside. Now, where I live it is difficult to deliver due to bank sanctions. That means not finding jeans that fit.
Let me get back to the positive: 3 things I love about losing weight
- More fancy dresses fit me. Clothes look classier and fall better. Unfortunately, most designer clothes are not made for big boobs.
- Also, it is much easier to go to the gym and exercise. Sports clothes fit better, and people stare less.
- It is easier to go up and down stairs (since I have a knee problem).
I am meaner to myself when I am thinner: self-hate
However, I find myself meaner to myself when I am lighter. Somehow, self-love flies out the window.
Maybe, I feel I do not need compliments.
People tend to compliment me less too.
Instead, telling me I look like I am disappearing, starving, or insignificant. The worst part is I find myself doing the same. Cracking jokes at my own expense.
Skinny people also deserve self-love and body positivity. Sometimes, it is hard to remember that people who are skinny also have body insecurities. I do the same sometimes, I look at a person and think, “Wow , they look perfect; It must be great to be them”. Only forgetting that they have insecurities. Everyone has insecurities.
I want a mix of both body types.
In a nutshell, both body types have their perks. Truly, I love both body images. Some clothes work on my bigger body vs. my smaller body.
Sometimes I wish I can combine my energy and face when I am chubbier, with my body when I am skinnier.
Wouldn’t it be neat to have a button to activate a body type for a certain look, like wearing a button-down shirt? A curvy body just does not cooperate. Buttons go flying everywhere.
I know, I have been going on and on about self-love. However, it is simply not something that exists in my life every day. The poem below is about the self-hate I feel when I look in the mirror some days.
Self-love vs. Self-hate: An everyday battle
Close your eyes tight and hold. Contract your eyelid muscles extra hard- till you see the funky shapes and images. Don’t stop until you see a shape. For some reason I see a clown every time. She is laughing hysterically at me. Am I her ?
Truthfully, self-love is an everyday battle. Most days when I compliment myself, I think I am a clown. A fake. More specifically, a liar. Then, I stop look in the mirror and say I deserve to love myself. I tell myself body changes are natural.
Even, if I don’t believe myself. I keep repeating it to myself. Perhaps, I am brainwashing myself. Eventually, it should work. Everything starts with the way you talk to yourself.
Usually, I have a bad habit of using self-deprecating humor. At the moment, I am trying my best to stop that.
However, I am a work in progress. At my end, self-love means being honest with myself and being ok with the fact that I still need to work on loving myself.
I am just trying to learn to love the one body I am in. I hope you love what you see in the mirror.