My Best Friend: My toilet. P.s. don’t read if you are squirmy about poop.
Dear best friend, I am sorry, I undervalue you. I am ashamed to say I strain you. Indeed, at times I drain you. Nonetheless, you still welcome or receive me. At least three times a day. Without you, I would self-defecate. I would explode, or more likely, implode. Also, you are mine and only mine. I don’t let anyone use you. When I come to think of it, I really do abuse you. For the smells I make are for you- And only you. You see me at my lowest, my highest; when I’m sick, wasted, and healthy. Indeed, I lean on you (quite literally). You and only you, Know what I had for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and those snacks in between (I pretended not to have). 'A sanctuary’; ‘A place to nap’; 'A solace after a hard day’; ‘A place to cry’ are all phrases used to praise your sister and brother: the tub and shower, respectively. You likely already guessed what it is. For, you all use me too (and the title was more than just a little clue). The toilet I adore you- yet unlike the shower or bathtub, You, my best friend, we OVERLOOK. My toilet, we ignore you. Like all things nasty, we obscure you unless to exploit you. Like I am now- to write this piece. Weren’t our times supposed to be private and sacred? After all, my best thoughts and epiphanies occur when I’m on you.
Short brunette lost and found: in the bathroom
If anybody is looking for me or I am suddenly quiet they know I am in the bathroom. For a lot of people, toilet talk is a pet peeve.
Whereas, I am one of those freaks that smirks and openly laughs and is intrigued with toilet conversations.
Perhaps, it is because it is such a basic need.
There is something so comforting about knowing that at the end of the day, everyone needs to poo. No matter who they are.
That is what I call humbling. No matter how grand we think we are something gross-looking comes out of us and smells real funky.
For the longest time, I thought I was the only one like this. Until I met more people that seem to be always on the toilet also.
If you think about it, the toilet seat is the only thing that truly knows us down to our rotten core.
Why the toilet seat is underrated.
No that is not a typo. You read that right, it is underrated. The mere existence of a toilet seat means we don’t have to dig a hole and aim, outside.
I swear I want to jump and hug the creator of the toilet seat.
He understood that bathroom time is private. Our booty needs something soft and cushiony to feel at ease, to be able to do our natural processes.
I won’t disturb you with the details.
Yet, most of the time, when people discuss the bathroom decore or experience, they are talking about a relaxing bathtub experience or the shower rail.
Nobody takes pictures of the toilet seat, which arguably is the most important feature. The one thing stopping us from acting like animals.
Some people need to up their toilet game.
Ok, when you think of a toilet your mind does not always go to the toilet size in public spaces.
I admit I have fallen inside the actual bathroom bidet before. Gross, I know.
Not everyone takes into consideration smaller frames when designing these things. That was a lesson well-learned.
Now I always check that 1. a toilet seat is down, and 2. I do some quick spatial reasoning to see if my rather small derriere will fall through.
Hence, the need to squat. Yay. The one time this exercise comes in handy.
A true-life skill that we all need to avoid gross substances on us from strangers.
Feel free to talk about your poo experiences with me
If you know me well enough, you probably heard me speak about constipation, diarrhea, or loudly exclaim uh, uh, I need to poop.
Sometimes I forget to keep that information inside my brain. Don’t worry, I won’t say it to strangers, even I am not that weird.
But I genuinely enjoy conversations about people explaining what helps them poo easier.
Sorry, I a not using sophisticated words for poo, because well, that is what we all call it in our heads.
A toilet seat can put things back in perspective.
Alrighty then, if you made it this far I don’t need to tell you that I am feeling goofy now.
Honestly, I first posted this piece on a writing site, called Commaful.
Today, I find myself turning back to it trying to find my humor again. My soul cannot bear a serious topic today.
Perhaps, the world’s darkness is too much to handle now.
A little bit of joviality can do wonders. I wanted to chuckle and embarrass myself a bit, which I just did. Taking yourself too seriously is exhausting at times.
From time to time, you need to poke fun at yourself to remember that not everything is that deep.
While you may relate to the need to giggle and escape reality a little bit, you may wonder why the toilet seat? Truthfully, it is where I spend a lot of my time.
In conclusion, the ability to poop once a day is something I do not take for granted, especially in a comfortable bathroom.
Really, it can make my whole day or ruin it if I don’t manage to go to the bathroom. P.S. it is a good day in case you were wondering 😉.
Are you squirmy about bathroom talk?